Dear Climate Therapist: I can’t decide where home is

Our climate therapist Caroline Hickman responds to a reader whose guilt about flying is getting in the way of love, and another feeling trapped by catastrophic thinking

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This week on Gen Dread we’re back with a double-edition of The Climate Therapist, where readers write to us with any question they might have about how the climate crisis is making them feel. Kyle Hill, Leslie Davenport, and Caroline Hickman make up our superteam of climate-aware therapists, and this week Caroline answers two different questions from members of our community – one about the guilt of flying home so much, and another about how to manage the intense catastrophizing a lot of us do as we watch our climate worsen.

Ready to submit your question?

Torn between two continents

I'm grappling with a really tough decision right now, driven by my climate anxiety. Do I make a huge sacrifice now for the sake of the climate and a more certain future for myself? I, like many others, moved across the Atlantic ocean for a student exchange. In the blink of an eye, 5 years have passed and I now have a life that I love: a great apartment, a group of friends, a job in a climate tech-startup and, most importantly, a European boyfriend that I love more than anything. The only problem is, I miss my family back in Canada terribly. I currently fly home twice per year, for one month at a time each - and am increasingly struggling with the guilt of this decision. I am well aware of the incredible privilege I have in being able to fly home as often as I do.

Beyond my outsized carbon footprint as a result of these flights, I am terrified of the possibility that transatlantic flights will not be possible in the future, either because of extreme weather, outrageously expensive jet fuel costs, or geopolitical conflict. I have researched ad-nauseum low carbon alternatives, but it seems like low-carbon ship voyages just aren't a feasibility in my lifetime. I feel stuck between two impossible choices: leaving behind the life and person that I love (he won't follow me, nor could I ask him to make such a sacrifice), or staying somewhere that forces me to further contribute to the climate crisis, and which may, in the end, cut me off from my dear family. I realise that the climate crisis will force each of us to make sacrifices. There is no bargaining with reality. I am overcome with incredible grief and anger, whichever choice I consider. I feel crippled in the emotions. I don't want to say goodbye.

- A Broken Heart

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Dear broken heart,

The first thing I want to say is how lovely it is to hear you speak so often from your heart about these important relationships with people that you love (and who love you). Many people can go through life lonely and searching for love and fear never finding it. I’m pleased for you that you have so much affection in your life. And this of course is what is also causing you this distress, your love for the planet, your family and your boyfriend do not fit easily together into your future life as you can imagine it. It is impressive that you have done your research and tried to find solutions, but I think when you go down that road you are losing sight of the fact that these are loving relationships that you’re talking about, and it sounds to me as though in that moment you are trying to figure this out on your own.

You say that you cannot ask your boyfriend to make the sacrifice of moving with you, why not? How can you be so sure he would not follow you, or that the two of you together might not be able to imagine and create a future together that is shared, both the love and the sacrifice? You are caught in what seems to be an ‘either / or’ situation, but if you share these feelings and dilemmas with your loved ones, they may be able to together find other options with you. At the very least the dilemma could be shared between you, then possible futures that you cannot imagine on your own might start to appear between you. And this brings you back to your heart, and the painful feelings can be held there. I honestly am not minimising your grief and anger, but I am asking you not to feel it alone.

Placing this in the context of the climate crisis, there is no other way of saying this other than it is really hard and unfair that your generation is facing the consequences and impact of this. I think the best advice I can give you (and I really hope that it does not sound as though I am dismissing your unhappiness), is to live your life fully, love with your whole heart, and delight in the fact that you know how it is to love and be loved. Paul Hoggett (who established the Climate Psychology Alliance) talks about the difference between air miles and love miles, that when we travel for love, maybe we need to measure it differently. Because it is perhaps crucial that when we turn to face the challenges the planet and humanity is facing today, it is better when done from our hearts. Don’t let love be messed up by this. We cannot predict or control all aspects of the future, but do not let these fears spoil the awesome experience of loving and being loved.

Finally, I would say, falling in love is quite simply one of the scariest things we ever have to face. If you have the courage to do that, you can trust that you can find a way through this (just stay in contact with that big heart of yours).

- Caroline

Catastrophizing is a way we search for certainty

I’m neurodivergent (high functioning autistic) and often find my autism and other mental health issues getting in the way of me taking more effective climate action. So much climate crisis talk now is about how it’s inevitably going to get worse and how it’s too late to do anything to prevent it from worsening. And honestly, I can’t live like this. I can’t live with the constant anxiety of a weather-induced sword of Damocles, perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. How am I supposed to go about my life knowing that one day, at an unknown time but certainly very soon, I’ll die a painful death from whenever the climate apocalypse hits? 

- Dread and Anxiety-Ridden Neurodivergent

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Oh, I am so sorry to hear just how scary this is for you, and I can understand that you do not know how to live with this fear and uncertainty. So here are a couple of thoughts that I hope might help a little:

First, please stop catastrophising – I understand that this feels like an inevitable painful future, but this is you searching for certainty in an uncertain world, and living like this is only going to make a person unhappy and anxious and completely spoil their experience of today as well as the future – which is not here yet. I appreciate that you have a lot of knowledge about the future that tells you that things will be terrible, but you are making awful predictions here about your future that miss out on the possibility of any good things happening as well. This is too one-sided. You are telling yourself a horror story, and whilst I know that things are already bad and will also become worse, that is not all that the future holds, there are also positive things to hold onto.

I can understand that the temptation is to get attached to the certainty of apocalyptic thinking and completely dismiss any positive options, but that is not a way to live (as you say). You ask, ‘how am I supposed to go about my life’, and the only real answer is to find radical hope, courage, and do not do this alone, because there are reasons to stay alive, even if it is just to stubbornly refuse to give in to the fears, and maybe find a rebellious streak that refuses to let this beat you.

- Caroline

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‘Till next time!

Credit: Katja Herbers

- The Gen Dread Team

Britt Wray (Founder + Chair)

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